


I'll keep the lights on in this place

by VioletFolgi



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Post-Season/Series 03, Pre-Season/Series 04, kind of?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:54:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26277493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VioletFolgi/pseuds/VioletFolgi
Summary: Ada had left. She had gotten on a ship with her son and some suitcases, and she left for New York, leaving Tommy behind, and putting miles and miles between herself and her family.And then she went back to try and fix it all.Or,Ada's perspective on what happened in the period between the ending of season 3, and the beginning of season 4.
Relationships: Ada Shelby & The Shelby Family, Ada Shelby & Tommy Shelby
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Peaky Blinders Appreciation Week 2020.
> 
> Written for Day 4: Missing Moment (chapter 1) & Day 5: Business (chapter 2). 
> 
> This is not exactly a missing scene but let's just roll with it, shall we?  
> Hope you enjoy it!

Nobody could go on like this.

It was becoming harder every time, Lizzie had told her the last time they had spoken over the phone, tense and exasperated in that blunt and quiet way of hers. Ada had sighed, as she usually did, and stayed silent. 

Lizzie and Michael had been trying for the past year, tentatively crossing the lines between two sides of the same family over and over again, treading around on eggshells, and playing nice for both parties all the time. It was fucking tiring, she'd said, that's what it was. It was exhausting, and it wasn't working, and Ada could hear the desperation in Lizzie's voice before she'd hung up on her.

It was fucking hard for Ada too, alright? It had been hard to leave, it had been hard to put a whole ocean between her and her family and everything she'd ever known, but it had been necessary. Both times.

The first time Ada left, it had not been for Karl or for herself or for the business, but for Tommy.

When the others had been arrested, Tommy had been... he'd been impossible to deal with. He'd been more silent than ever, he'd been harsh and desperate, careless and reckless, and he'd completely isolated himself from everyone. Ada had endured this for the first few months, hoping Tommy would let her in, but then accepted that she wasn't doing Tommy any good by staying. He had tried to get her to fully take on the position he had for her in Boston many times, but Ada had at first refused to leave him to deal with the whole situation alone. But then time had passed and Tommy still avoided her and refused her offers to help and wouldn't look her in the eye, so she finally gave in. 

It had been necessary, but Ada still felt bad about leaving.

Ada felt bad for leaving Lizzie to handle the remaining pieces of the Shelby family and business on her own. Dear selfless Lizzie, who kept everything under control when Tommy disappeared for days on end, who checked in on Finn (alone and scared in their forgotten family house in Small Heath) and somehow kept whatever was left of Tommy together, even when he treated her like shit, for fuck's sake. Honestly, what would they all do without Lizzie. 

(She deserved ~~better than Tommy, better than Ada leaving her to balance it all on her own, better than all of them~~ better than whatever standard shitty salary Tommy was paying her.)

Ada felt bad for Linda and Esme, whose babies would be born without their fathers there, and Ada knew how awful that was (except _Freddie had come back_ ~~while John and Arthur might never do so~~ ). Ada also felt bad for them when they started to refuse to talk to her (at the time, Ada was their only source for updates and insider information on what was going on with their husband's cases) at the light of Ada fully taking on her position in Boston as Head of Property and Acquisitions. Ada had wondered if they would resign themselves to the mediocre information wives could barely get out of official sources, and live in ignorance out of stubborn hatred for Tommy Shelby, or if they would resort to reaching out to someone else on "Tommy's side" (maybe Lizzie would do, if they were willing to overlook the fact that she was, of-fucking-course, one of Tommy's most loyal people).

And last but not at all bloody least, Ada felt bad for Charlie. Little Charlie who, last time Ada had seen him, still sometimes called for his mum at night. Charlie, who didn't understand what was going on but still noticed, with big upset teary eyes and a quivering lower lip, how his father was more distant than ever.

Even the times when Tommy realised he had spent weeks without so much as ruffling Charlie's hair while passing, and had actually tried to spend some time with his son, Ada had been able to see that the wounds were still too fresh. She could see just how much it hurt for Tommy to look at Charlie and see Grace in his eyes, or remember the times he'd played with little John, or helped Pol with baby Finn, or seen Arthur throw toddler Michael out of the window for John to catch. And who knew what Tommy saw when he looked at her; all she knew was that it pained him, it tapped the little box labeled “guilt” inside his head, that which Tommy _could not deal with_. And, in the end, that was what had made Ada give in, made her pack her bags and flee:

Tommy couldn't stand being around them. 

The remaining ones.

So Ada had left. She had gotten on a boat with her son and some suitcases, and she left for New York and she left Tommy behind, and she put miles and miles between herself and her family. 

Boston had been new and exciting, and there had been loads of novel things to get used to. Karl loved it there even if he sometimes got a bit lonely, without all the distinctive bustling about of every Shelby environment. But Ada enrolled him in piano lessons, which he also really loved, so it was alright. And besides, Ada made sure to spend as much time as possible with him, playing all the games Karl liked the most and reading him to bed every night (something which they both really enjoyed, and Ada, naively, never wanted him to grow out of).

Furthermore, there also was the new position Ada was occupying in Shelby Company Limited, this time in person in Boston. The work had to be done stealthily and efficiently, and Ada relished on the steady routine of intellectually demanding hard work; lengthy, profitable, _legal_ work. It was actually very satisfying.

So, the new position and Karl and settling in on a completely new environment kept Ada busy. In fact, for a while, it had kept her just busy enough that she could mostly afford not to think about ~~her brothers getting beaten up in jail and Michael, young and new to this world already at the worst spot of it, and Aunt Polly, obstinate and tough and a woman in jail, and the hangman's deadline floating over their heads, and all of them scattered and isolated from one another, and Tommy, drinking himself to death alone in his big empty house~~ ...her family's _situation_. 

_Tommy is working on it_ , Ada told herself, over and over again. And as long as he didn't let her help, there was absolutely nothing she could do about it, nothing she could do to bring them all back.

Worrying wouldn’t bring them back.

Consequently, Ada went about her days jumping from distraction to distraction and cradling dearly every moment she spent with Karl, but without looking too much into the warm fuzzy feeling that made her chest feel tight and her stomach turn. On nights, she also did her best not to look too much into the nagging piercing feeling of remorse in her gut, and after some practice, she managed to learn just how to ignore it completely; how to push it away delicately every time it came up, just barely out of sight so she could look away, but always there, always still there. She wondered if this was how Tommy did it, too. Just push all emotions into a corner and go about your business and let time fly by, numb and apathetic.

And so time did fly by, and a couple weeks before the established appeal for her family's executions, Ada got a call from Lizzie.

They were out, she said. Tommy had got them out.

Ada booked a ship ticket home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you know that moment when you've just got so many options for something that you suddenly can't come up with anything?  
> Well, that happened to me here with the Missing Moments prompt. I wacked my brains trying to think of all those ideas I used to have for missing scenes, buuut it seems they have disappeared. Anyway, I always wanted to write something about this very awful and interesting period between s3 and s4, so this happened in the end! I wrote it in a bit of hurry, so please do tell me if you spot any mistakes. 
> 
> Next chapter's gonna be for tomorrow's day of the Peaky Week. I've been doing art for all the other days, which you can check out on my tumblr, [here (@violetfolgi)](https://violetfolgi.tumblr.com/) , if you're interested.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! I'd love to know what you think. Thanks for reading :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur, John, Polly, and Michael are now out of prison. Still, somehow, things are worse than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for the Peaky Blinders Appreciation Week 2020 - Day 5: Business.

Ada hadn’t been planning on going back to Boston for a long time. 

She wasn’t sure what exactly she had been planning, but as she packed most of her clothes and all of Karl’s favorite toys, she had been expecting a long stay in England. She had missed her family so fiercely, she wasn’t going to let go of them so easily now that they’d been liberated. She was going home and she would be staying for a few months at least, if not for the foreseeable future.

The business in Boston was going great anyway, and would survive some months without Ada. And if everything went back to normal and Tommy managed to finally straighten things up back home with the company, make everything neat and legal business, then who knew, maybe Ada might just never need to leave again, after all. Tommy could get someone else to manage the business in New York, and Ada could find some proper legitimate position in Shelby Company Limited that didn’t require her to be thousands of miles away from her family. 

What Ada  _ had  _ been expecting was a warm family reunion. She’d had already probably missed all the first emotional ones by the time the bloody ship finished the sail from continent to continent (she imagined even Tommy must have been at least  _ a bit _ teary-eyed), but still; she’d get to see  _ Arthur _ and  _ John  _ again, hear Aunt Polly’s witty retorts and chatisising of their behaviour, catch Michael’s eye rolls from the corner of her eye, and witness Finn grinning at their family being all back together again. And she would also see a less strained Tommy there, standing tall and regal with a bit of a smile on his face, and without a hint of that soul-crushing stare he’d had living in his eyes for the past year.

Ada would also get to meet Arthur and John’s newborns, even if Linda and Esme still happened to be a bit wary of her. Karl could play with John’s kids and Charlie, while Ada read her favorite childhood story book to the newborns, a tradition she’d started with Finn, and continued with all of John’s kids and then Karl, and then Charlie. She’d also been looking forward to witnessing Arthur as a father for the first time; she  _ really  _ wasn't sure why, but she just knew he was gonna make a very sweet parent. Ada chuckled as she imagined her tough oldest brother, eyes with tears and a mesmerized, completely awed expression on his face, holding his firstborn delicately in his arms. 

Ada had smiled warmly as she imagined all of these wonderful scenarios playing out in her head, just as she imagined would play out in real life.

Turns out, in the end, none of that happened as she had foreseen.

Ada had known something was wrong the moment she saw Tommy. He looked so strikingly miserable behind the clenched jaw and curt nods, it immediately set all of Ada’s alarms off. She had asked what was wrong and Tommy had not looked her in the eye. 

(Instead, he had fled the room with some mumbled excuse about calls he had to make, and Ada’s heart had broken.)

Lizzie had taken her aside later that night and explained. Ada had quite literally felt her stomach drop, along with all her hopeful and naive fucking expectations. She’d been such a fool.

Now, Ada had known Esme and Linda would continue to be furious at Tommy, even after their husbands walked free, still alive and… alright, maybe not  _ well _ , but  _ alive  _ nevertheless. She had been expecting it, really; Esme and Linda would probably always find a way to be pissed at Tommy for this reason or the other. But this… Ada thought this was taking things a little bit too far. Taking Arthur and John to the pastures and forcefully removing them out of their bond with Tommy was… unacceptable. And her idiotic brothers were going along with it, for fuck's sake! 

She understood it if their wives (and ultimately, just maybe, them) wanted out of the business. She understood, even though she wasn't sure just how much John and Arthur would actually last on their new neat little houses in the countryside without any kind of work to keep them busy. John's number of kids might just duplicate in an alarming short amount of time. But whatever, if their wives wanted to force them out of the business and her brothers were agreeing to some extent, then that was their own business. 

Now, what Ada would  _ not  _ let them do, was force her brothers  _ out of their family.  _

She was sure John and Arthur would have never agreed to that. Never ever. Not a single fucking chance. But, unfortunately, that didn’t mean anything, ‘cause they were both idiots. Pliant, traumatized, manipulable, idiots. 

Ada, though, had been diligently willing to cut them some slack, and had thought that maybe they needed some time to get used to breathing fresh air again, and then some more to gather up the courage to stand up to their own wives. That was alright. Linda and Esme, in return, probably needed some time to cool down as well; that was alright too, Ada told herself. And if things didn't change anytime soon, well, Ada could always go and knock some sense into her brothers' heads.

Now, what Ada had  _ not  _ been expecting at all, had been Polly.

Polly, who, Lizzie said, had had some sort of fit at the mere sight of Tommy.  _ Polly _ , who had always been rational and strong and cool-headed, but had, apparently, kept on stammering agitatedly about death and freedom and decisions and treason and  _ Tommy fucking Shelby,  _ until they had given her something to calm her down.

Alright but, look, the anger,  _ that  _ Ada understood. She had seen Polly angry plenty of times  ~~ never this furious though never with this intensity ~~ . The desperation, though, the sobbing, the ragged breathing, the utter  ~~ hatred ~~ loathing… Ada hadn't been expecting it, and she didn't know how to react to it. She hadn't seen it before, not coming from Polly  ~~ not ever directed at  _ one of them _ ~~ ,  _ never _ coming from Polly.

It had been quite the shock, all that. Getting adjusted to the new shattering reality had taken Ada a few sleepless nights and weary days, but she had done it to the best of her ability. And then she figured she needed to act and, somehow, try and fix it all.

• • •

When Ada had finally made herself visit, after days of gathering up the courage, Polly had been better than she'd expected. She had invited Ada in and they had hugged in silence for some minutes, and then they had drunk tea and whiskey and chatted nonsense. Polly had been a little airy, eyes hazy and empty in a way that ironically reminded Ada of Tommy, but apart from that, she'd been her usual witty self. Ada had been starting to feel better about the whole situation (maybe she'd just misunderstood the whole thing, right?) and was looking for the right moment to bring Tommy up in the conversation, when this suddenly took a turn to the topic of Shelby Company Limited. 

That had been the moment when the conversation had turned sour. Polly had told her that she was not coming back, not in a few months and  _ not ever, Ada,  _ and had been awfully brusque in her statement. Ada had tried questioning it gently, but Polly had started ranting about how they had all been prisoners long before they had been arrested and how it was all  _ his  _ fault, and that  _ she was not going back,  _ not now that she was finally  _ free.  _ Snippety harsh bitter jabs to Tommy had found their way into her words every almost two sentences, and Ada was starting to lose any positive feeling she had gained about the situation. Soon enough, Polly’s rant had turned into a sorrowful bitter monologue about things Ada did not understand anymore, and she started to get a sense of what Lizzie had meant when she said Polly seemed deranged. 

In the end, Ada didn't dare bring Tommy up.

• • •

After that first visit to Polly, and faced with Tommy’s non-forthcoming willingness to talk to her, Ada decided to take a trip to Birmingham and go see Finn. Lizzie had told her he’d been there with them all the first couple of days after the family had been released, and then gone back to Small Heath out of his own will when things started turning ugly. Lizzie wasn’t very sure how he was dealing with everything, and Ada hadn’t spoken to him since their last monthly check in call – in which he had sounded like the average teenager: bored, “fine”, and detached from all feelings while simultaneously on the verge of tears –, so she wasn’t really sure on what state she’d find him in.

Coming back to Small Heath for the first time in such a long time had brought on a lot of memories, but Ada did her absolute best to focus on the topic at hand; Finn. She wouldn’t have been able to deal with the emotional baggage that going through those memories would include, with everything else going on, so she put her newly learnt compartmentalizing skills to good use, and just ignored the memories.

Ada knocked on the door, even though she had a key.

Finn had opened the door and stared at her for a few seconds, stare unwavering, before he had moved aside to let her in. 

Ada had greeted him as she came in, and turned to smile at him, as he closed the door and leaned heavily on it. He had still been staring at her with wide unblinking eyes.

“Finn? Everything alright?”, had said Ada gently, tilting her head a little.

Finn blinked up at her, and suddenly burst into tears.

Ada had eventually hurried over to him and embraced him in a hug, to which he had clung desperately. His cries had turned quickly into ugly sobs in her shoulder, but she didn’t really mind. After a while, though, her coat started to turn a bit soggy with tears and snot. But still, Ada wasn’t gonna complain.

It was the least she could do.

• • •

Ada had kept on visiting Finn and Polly frequently. 

As Michael was also living in Polly's place for the time being, Ada saw a lot of him as well. Michael seemed clearly traumatized by the whole…  _ experience,  _ but refused to discuss it and left the room every time the topic came up. Not the best coping mechanism, probably, but at least he wasn't having panic attacks at cars parked on the street that looked too much like Tommy's. In fact, Michael had already picked up some work, claiming it helped him keep his mind busy, much to Polly’s dislike. He was the only one who was still talking to Tommy without too much of an issue. Arthur had tried calling Tommy’s house once, but apparently he (Linda) had hung up before Tommy’s maids could pass the call on to him.

Linda was also always the one answering all the calls in her house. She  _ always  _ responded to Ada’s calls with her petty little chant “Maple 245”, no matter what time she called, which was a bit of a problem, considering the woman was doing her utmost best to stop Ada from talking to Arthur. It was always “Arthur’s busy with the garden” this, “Arthur’s taking a bath” that, and Ada was actually surprised at Linda’s ability to come up with a new excuse every single fucking time.

Esme’s intention was pretty much the same, except she went about it a bit differently. When Ada started talking at the other end of the calls, Esme would just smash the phone against the receiver and end the call. 

One time John had actually picked up the phone and Ada had felt high with relief, only for their conversation to be cut short by Esme discovering him, and then them fighting over the phone on the other side, which had resulted in, Ada assumed, a broken phone.

This way, after weeks of failed communication with her brothers, Ada had had enough. She bought some gifts for the babies, and got herself and Karl into a car to venture into the pastures.

In the end, at least one of her hopeful expectations had happened: Karl had gotten to play with his cousins while Ada met the newborns. Her favorite childhood story book had to stay put in her handbag in both houses, though, but at this point Ada wasn’t even surprised. At least she had gotten to hug both of her brothers, and see the constant wholesome glances Arthur threw to his son (Billy, Arthur had named him Billy) who sat tight on Linda’s arms, who (politely) refused to let go of him. 

Arthur had been incredibly pleased to see her and had actually shed a tear or two, and Ada couldn’t help but feel the same. They’d had a lovely heartwarming reunion for as long as it took Linda to shake herself out of her shock at seeing Ada show up at her door unexpectedly. She had tried making up some excuses, but by that moment Arthur was already sweeping Karl up on his arms and inviting them into the kitchen for some cookies. After having some and moving on to the living room for some conversation, Linda regained her position as the one wearing the pants in the house, and started her mission of pushing down every attempt Ada made at talking to Arthur about Tommy, or even Shelby Company Limited as a whole. She did say, though, that Arthur was _not_ going back to the business ( _nor_ _the family_ , was left unsaid, but came through perfectly clear).

Ada’s appearance at John's place hadn’t gone quite as well, though. Linda had clearly informed Esme of Ada’s surprise visit, as John’s wife was waiting for her in front of her door outside as the car came up the road. Ada had left Karl in the car as she perched herself in front of Esme, who was hollering and screaming at her to go the fuck away. Ada had waited, summoning all the patience her Shelby genes could possibly provide, until all the racket made John show up. 

After hugging and greeting each other and gathering up the kids so Karl could go play with them, another fight erupted between them adults. Esme evidently did not want her there, and warned her plenty of times in various ways that not anything she’d say or do would make her let John go back to the business  _ or  _ the family (well, at least Esme had said it; quiet loudly and everything). At that point, John intervened and harshly pushed his wife out of the way, managing to lock himself and Ada in a room so they could have a somewhat private conversation – Esme had definitely been listening through the door, though.

All in all, the conversation had been quite short. 

John had told her she was welcome to come by anytime she liked, and that he was happy to see her. He also told her he was not going back to working “for” Tommy, that he had made a promise to Esme, and that he was intending on keeping it. He also told her Esme was likely to shoot Tommy if she ever saw him again, and unfortunately Ada fully believed she would. John had been about to say something else, when their conversation was suddenly cut short, by Esme finally forcing the door open. Ada wasn’t sure there was much left to say anyway. 

She and Karl left shortly afterwards.

• • •

Ada spent a total of three months in England dealing with a silently confined Tommy Shelby, a broken rancorous Aunt Polly, and the two fucking big Arthur-and-John-shaped-holes that were missing in their lives. She spent three months there, before giving in to her selfish needs and fleeing, grabbing Karl and her suitcases and getting on a boat that would put miles and miles between herself and her family and all of their problems.

The second time Ada left, it hadn’t been for any of the right reasons. Not really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, the business is mentioned here, a fair bit, so the theme is respected. Hopefully?
> 
> Right, so this is already double the amount of words of last chapter and half of what I had planned to happen in this one, so I've just decided to leave it here and have a total of three chpters. This one still figures as the Peaky Day 5 chapter anyway! Next one will be up soon, probably after we're done with the Peaky week as I've still got some drawings to finish.
> 
> So, finally, it's 5am and I've just finished editing this; my eyes hurt like hell, and I have no energy left to give it a read over again. so, please, let me know if you find any mistakes; English is also not my first language and I don't have a beta, soo, yeah. there's that.  
> Still, hope you guys liked it. GOODNIGHT NOW


End file.
